Life In General

Farley and Carlene Daniels were newlyweds in General. At the time of the events I'm about to disclose, they had been married a little over two months. Farley and Carlene had been childhood sweethearts and had dated each other exclusively since Carlene had begun eighth grade. Both were a little on the quiet side and they suited each other to a capital "T".

Farley had taken a job at the Hardspat Mine while still in high school and he and Carlene had married as soon as she graduated from General High. Carlene was working as assistant manager at Marguerite's Bake Shop and had dreams of owning her own bakery some day. Farley often reminded her that "the way to a man's heart was through his stomach," and Carlene's cooking kept Farley well fed and madly in love.

One fateful Saturday evening, Farley and Carlene had arrived home from work and had decided to clean up a bit and go out to eat for a change. It is pertinent to the story to know that this young couple had rented the left half of a duplex belonging to the Guglianno family, who had donated the use of the other half to their nephew John Anthony, the local parish priest.

General’s Roman Catholic population was small and it had taken a great deal of prayer and effort to build the tiny Church of St. Joseph whose flock Father Anthony had recently come to oversee. Plans were under way for a rectory building, too, but in the meantime, the duplex had been an infinite bit of good fortune.

Anyway, as Carlene removed her uniform and stood reaching into the closet for a dress, clad at the moment only in her slip, Farley's passion became aroused and he grabbed her around the waist and friskily pulled her to him, declaring, "I'm gonna get me some sugar!"

Either the momentum of the grab or the unexpectedness of the attack sent them both reeling sideways into the closet, whereupon the door banged shut behind them. Farley, who had been down to his undershirt and shorts at the time of the assault, quickly discovered that the door had somehow jammed and that they were now trapped inside the pitch-dark closet.

And even though it was getting on into the evening hours, a small closet in an un-air-conditioned house in August in the Deep South is not a really pleasant place to be. So Farley quickly came up with a plan of escape.

"Now Carlene," Farley said in his most serious tone, which was rather hard to muster since Carlene was laughing hysterically beside him, "sit up and put your back against this wall like I'm doing and put your feet against the closet door like this." Farley positioned her feet next to his near the bottom of the door. "When I give the word, push against the door with all you've got. One, two, three, GO!"

It was a great plan; however, it did not allow for the strength of the wooden door as opposed to the weakness of the sheetrock wall. The entire back wall gave way Carlene and tumbled instantly backward into the kitchen of the adjoining tenant.

This in itself was highly embarrassing to the modest young couple, but they had little time to think about it, for as Farley stood to his feet, wearing only his undies and a sheepish half-grin, an elderly woman wielding a butcher knife suddenly appeared from the opposite side of the room and began charging toward Farley, screaming and ranting in obvious terror and Italian. Carlene, who was being totally ignored by the woman, backed fearfully back into the closet, praying frantically for divine intervention.

As Farley was making his third lap around the table, which by that time had several slivers removed as the old woman continued yelling, thrusting and stabbing, divinity indeed intervened. A puzzled face appeared in the kitchen doorway and the voice of Father John Anthony Guglianno was heard to say, "No, Mama, no!"

Mama reluctantly relinquished the knife even though her every fear of 'crazy Americans' had just been realized on her very first visit to the States. Only then when the knife was safely in Father John's hand did Farley allow himself to collapse into one of the chairs.

"Thanks, John, I really mean it," Farley sputtered. "I know this must look a little peculiar --okay, a LOT peculiar, but there really is a simple explanation for the whole thing."

Wherewith Farley began to tell a by now roaring laughing Father John how they had become stuck in the closet. Carlene even managed to wave a hand through the opening as proof of her part in the story.

Since Carlene was still tucked away in the closet and the outer doors of her and Farley’s side of the duplex were locked tight, Father John and Farley agreed that the simpler task would be to re-enter the closet and try a little more brute force on the closet door. Father John brought out his bathrobe and handed it through to Carlene, who appeared in the kitchen as the parish priest launched into a fairly extensive dialogue in Italian with Mama.

At first Mama continued to frown, but as the tale continued, she broke into a wider and wider grin and concluded by hugging Carlene soundly to her and nodding her head repeatedly while saying "Amore', amore'."

By the time Farley and Father John had returned from the other side of the duplex, Farley was dressed and ready for their dinner date. But Mama Guglianno and Carlene had made other plans in the meantime. They were both standing at the stove and communicating with nods, smiles and finger pointing.

"Mrs. Guglianno has invited us to supper, Farley," Carlene smiled. "And Father John, if you'll explain that I'm just going to run back home and change, I'll be back in a just a minute and I'll bring your bathrobe back, too."